I can't look Luis in the eye. I want to be his friend, but how can I when he doesn't let me? It seems like we're getting close, and then nothing. I've seen him outside of work once in the past month. How fucking ridiculous is that? And I have met NO ONE in his life...I think he introduced me to his girlfriend only because the situation wouldn't really have warranted anything else. I do my best to get over these kind of things. I don't like having a million "friends" in my life. I like having some good, close ones, a group of friends, not scores. But I dont' even have any close ones. I don't what's wrong with me. He knows how I am. I messaged him the other day asking him if I'd done something to piss him off or something...
"No, I know I haven't been going to your house lately and when I do something seems to come up. Oh yesterday evening, I looked "Shin Chan" on you tube and was really liked it.
Thanks for sending all those links for youtube's special vids, but the video is alway removed by the time I check it out. Did you want to get a copy of Will & Grace (6 seasons)? Just let me know. Sorry for the randomness of reply but I habe been writing on an off. See you in a few hours+
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? All that he felt that he needed to say, or all that he wanted to say, was that he knew about the lack of everything, I know he was at work, but fuck, he had all day to read the message on Monday and didn't have to reply just then or whatever...fuck...
I feel like a fucking idiot all the time, I wish I didn't work with him.
I mean, I know the problem is just that I give too much of a shit about him and he doesn't give much of a shit about me.
"Luis, I need to know, why have you not been hanging out with me lately? Was it that thing I said about Chris? I don't know how to explain myself other than that I feel like you don't give a shit about me in your life. You do shit with me when you have nothing better to do! Once you've had your fill or you've found something better to do, you do that for a while. You don't ask me to do anything with you or with any of the people you know. Every time I ask you to do something, you are busy already. Every time I've invited you and yours to do something, some thing's come up. Whenever I've invited you and yours to do something with me and what was mine, you always have come alone. I don't fucking get you! I fucking don't get you."
I don't know if I should send this or actually say it to him, or repress it like I have been since our last big blow up. The repression has worked, but this last period of inactivity has really gotten to me, maybe 'cause it's been so long or something. I don't know.
When that thing happened with Mark, something happened to me. I was pretty happy for a long time, but something happened to me. I feel worse all the time than I remember ever feeling. I fucked up, but felt betrayed at the same time. How fucked up is that? I'm a fucking loser. I hate myself. I just sit around feeling pathetic about myself.
I hate saying this, but I have thought about killing myself a lot lately. I hate saying that, 'cause I feel like I'm fishing for attention and like I'm an emo bitch and all that standard shit. I just have nothing. I live with my mother and my dogs, I have no future, I have no life, what the fuck is the point. What the fuck is the point. What the fuck is the point. I want to do nothing but sleep and keep my mind off of reality. I've found myself actually talking with myself. I've been trying to talk myself out of the hole I feel like I'm sinking into. I'm such a fucking drama fucker. I hate myself.
I do not want to be alive.
I feel like such a child for not maintainging composure. I don't have control. Maybe I have a control issue. I hate myself.