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|Thursday, July 14th, 2011|
You ever feel like the only faggot in your crew and that all the relationships you care about are dissolving because you don't conform to some heterosexual coupling stereotype? Oh...you don't...?
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
|Thursday, May 5th, 2011|
|Six Feet Under again.
Just finished the series again. I don't know how they, someone or a group of people, can make anyone react like I react to that program. There are so many emotions I feel from one moment to the next. I don't come out of the experience feeling empty or despair, but I certainly don't feel whole.
|Saturday, March 1st, 2008|
Watching Sex and the City with my mother creeps me the fuck out. Current Mood: uncomfortable
|Friday, February 15th, 2008|
|I talked to Luis...
I talked with Luis a little tonight.
He said to me, "I'll help you do some work on your car, if you'd like. That way you don't have to take it in and you can save some money." I told him that I didn't think that was a good idea...that it would feel kinda weird having him work on my car. When I was scanning checks, he came back and said, "Just out of curiosity, why would it be weird to have me work on your car?" I kinda avoided it, but then finally told him that it would be weird having a co-worker work on my car...If we were more like friends, then maybe, but blah blah blah...
Then I kinda told him how I felt about everything; about him not calling or having hardly any contact with me and all that stuff. He said he kinda new. He's been under a lot of stress lately. His gf's brother and his wife have been living with the two of them and they haven't been contributing. BULL FUCKING SHIT, I'd kick their asses out in a heartbeat, but I digress...It was hard for me to not get all choked up, so I managed to only tell him a couple of the things that I've been feeling and he said it was hard for him not to get kinda choked up too, but it didn't seem that hard...
God, I love that boy. I know he has problems opening up(which he said VERBATIM tonight), but I just would like to be there for him. Friends are there for each other. I just wish he could just be comfortable with letting me be his friend too. Current Mood: disappointed
|Friday, January 25th, 2008|
|I don't know...
I don't know what to say really. I feel like a bitch whenever I try to talk with anyone about anything. So I'll talk to myself on here.
I can't look Luis in the eye. I want to be his friend, but how can I when he doesn't let me? It seems like we're getting close, and then nothing. I've seen him outside of work once in the past month. How fucking ridiculous is that? And I have met NO ONE in his life...I think he introduced me to his girlfriend only because the situation wouldn't really have warranted anything else. I do my best to get over these kind of things. I don't like having a million "friends" in my life. I like having some good, close ones, a group of friends, not scores. But I dont' even have any close ones. I don't what's wrong with me. He knows how I am. I messaged him the other day asking him if I'd done something to piss him off or something...
"No, I know I haven't been going to your house lately and when I do something seems to come up. Oh yesterday evening, I looked "Shin Chan" on you tube and was really liked it.
Thanks for sending all those links for youtube's special vids, but the video is alway removed by the time I check it out. Did you want to get a copy of Will & Grace (6 seasons)? Just let me know. Sorry for the randomness of reply but I habe been writing on an off. See you in a few hours+
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? All that he felt that he needed to say, or all that he wanted to say, was that he knew about the lack of everything, I know he was at work, but fuck, he had all day to read the message on Monday and didn't have to reply just then or whatever...fuck...
I feel like a fucking idiot all the time, I wish I didn't work with him.
I mean, I know the problem is just that I give too much of a shit about him and he doesn't give much of a shit about me.
"Luis, I need to know, why have you not been hanging out with me lately? Was it that thing I said about Chris? I don't know how to explain myself other than that I feel like you don't give a shit about me in your life. You do shit with me when you have nothing better to do! Once you've had your fill or you've found something better to do, you do that for a while. You don't ask me to do anything with you or with any of the people you know. Every time I ask you to do something, you are busy already. Every time I've invited you and yours to do something, some thing's come up. Whenever I've invited you and yours to do something with me and what was mine, you always have come alone. I don't fucking get you! I fucking don't get you."
I don't know if I should send this or actually say it to him, or repress it like I have been since our last big blow up. The repression has worked, but this last period of inactivity has really gotten to me, maybe 'cause it's been so long or something. I don't know.
When that thing happened with Mark, something happened to me. I was pretty happy for a long time, but something happened to me. I feel worse all the time than I remember ever feeling. I fucked up, but felt betrayed at the same time. How fucked up is that? I'm a fucking loser. I hate myself. I just sit around feeling pathetic about myself.
I hate saying this, but I have thought about killing myself a lot lately. I hate saying that, 'cause I feel like I'm fishing for attention and like I'm an emo bitch and all that standard shit. I just have nothing. I live with my mother and my dogs, I have no future, I have no life, what the fuck is the point. What the fuck is the point. What the fuck is the point. I want to do nothing but sleep and keep my mind off of reality. I've found myself actually talking with myself. I've been trying to talk myself out of the hole I feel like I'm sinking into. I'm such a fucking drama fucker. I hate myself.
I do not want to be alive.
I feel like such a child for not maintainging composure. I don't have control. Maybe I have a control issue. I hate myself. Current Mood: distressed
|Tuesday, January 15th, 2008|
|Over a year...
Well, it's been over a year since any postings...
Beth's married and just told me yesterday via MySpace, that she's pregos now. That's cool and I miss her a lot.
Luis is in my life, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better if he wasn't. I love him to pieces, but he's just so cut off. And I don't get the hanging a lot for a while then hanging hardly at all for a while. I don't get him, I wish he'd talk to me.
Ricky and Adaley were home for a while and that was cool getting to hang with them, but I feel like a wee let down now that they're gone. I have Luis, but not really...
Shar's on her way over and she's bringing her tiny, new baby. It's sad that her brother died just like on New Years Day.
Chanel's doing well in her new school and with her boyfriend, I hope.
Amber's around, but I'm a loser and anti-social, so I haven't hung with her.
I hope everything is and will be. I hope I wont.
|Monday, December 18th, 2006|
Bethany's engaged. Current Mood: an-ur-ism-eyelid-twitching
|Sunday, December 17th, 2006|
I am disappointed with everyone.
Why are people lame and why do people talk like the are totally spaced and why is it so fucking hard to type "PORTLAND?"
|Tuesday, December 5th, 2006|
|EVEN MORE FUCK THAT!!!
PEOPLE ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE ABOUT THEM...YES, FUCKIN' BROWN CRUSTY ASSHOLE!
It's happening again and the feelings and thoughts of hopelessness and confusion are ever present and they alway seem to be around a specific individual. Communication breakdown, hiding thoughts and feelings and lives, why try? I'm going to take some muscle relaxers and pass out soon...hopefully... Current Mood: Back of my head falls off.
|Friday, June 9th, 2006|
|My fucking Dog.
My dog just ate like half a bar of dark chocolate...since I don't have ipicac(sp) or hydrogen peroxide, I had to induce vomiting with a teaspoon of table salt. That was fun to clean up.
And people are assholes. You don't talk with them for so long and then they appear on websites and they're not anything but who they are and shit. Fucking bullshit. Fucking bullshit. I do not have any desire for any human right now because none are tangible and none are good. I fucking hate everthing.
|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
I just don't want to talk with anyone.
|Thursday, December 15th, 2005|
|"Sometimes, I feel like this whole choir gig is nothin' but a big joke to everybody, yo!"
I haven't really anything to say...talking with nothing is better than not talking at all, I guess. I feel like I'm going insane all the time, but that's nothing new, if you've been reading the recent posts. Not knowing what to do and not knowing who to talk to and constantly screaming in my brain.
I think that I like saying that, if you read my posts, "screaming in my [head]." It's the best I can do to blah blah blah.
I hate myself.
I'm going to go lay on the couch and zombify, so as to not be "living," in the figurative sense of the word or something. Good night allll. Current Mood: It's been...
|Wednesday, September 28th, 2005|
Seriously, if you're laying in bed with someone and you're kind of interested in this person, and they start talking about a guy that you presume to be a total jackass and how they tried to call them the previous day and all this, how would you feel? Am I valid in feeling something other than total okayness?
|Thursday, August 4th, 2005|
|Saturday, July 30th, 2005|
Do you ever have trouble censoring yourself so that you don't sound like a huge loser begging for attention, while still managing to maintain a certain level of respectablity and convey a certain meaning in your words? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Well I hate everything too. And unconsciousness sounds blissfullll.
|Friday, July 15th, 2005|
| You scored as female. Surprise! You're female. Kind of a lame quiz, eh? Like you didn't know what you are. Then why did you take this test?|
some kind of a demented weirdo
Which are you really, male or female ?
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